do not get.

Disclaimer:  I wrote this a long time ago and posted it on tumblr. (as is true for the next couple posts that up pasting from tumblr to here) I wrote this when I was going through friend troubles and all that.

I do not get why I’m stuck in this rut. Why I try to help it. Why it gets out of control, then calms down, flares up and dies down, and why the pattern continues. Why this is so important.

I do not get why I even bother asking, why I take the time to listen to you, to think it through. I put myself out there,timidly, not sure,but I trust what you say. So I change for you, change from what I wanted to do, from what I felt, to something that would please you. Something to hold us together.

Tearing me down? That is easy. You do it so frequently, so easily, it has now become a part of my daily schedule. The insults flow and it is like we cannot stop. I react to what you say. You just continue to say more. And the pattern continues. I should even expect it, know when its coming. Every single time, it knocks me down further. Self-esteem? Rock bottom. Hurt? Sky high. And though you do not care, I retort like I expect you to worry about me, to care about my feelings. But caught up in our tangles lives, trying to weave both of ours together is like trying to mix oil and water. Impossible. Every thing about is so different. Disagreements now turn into days, during which we do not speak. Tearing me down even more.

But I cannot stand to even think of losing you. Trying to picture my life with out you is more than difficult. Impossible. Unthinkable. Yet as we slip away, stands of our lives we weaved together so tight unwind. There seems to be no other way then what would hurt us both the most. But may be for the best…

I do not get, mentally, how to let go.